Is It a Cult? - A Fellowship of Fear.

And then there is the pain of being wrong.

For years she recruited people for the fellowship, bringing them into an environment that she believes hurt them psychologically, spiritually, and emotionally.

"It's very difficult to work through, because it's so painful," she says. "You know each step you take in your mind, it's another step farther away, and you're having to admit, 'My God, I was wrong.'"

That self-evaluation is a large part of the painful process Sandi Haining and many others have worked through after leaving the fellowship.

"It takes a lot of re-education and a lot of soul-searching, and a lot of really being honest with yourself," she said. "Because not only do you say, 'Look at them. They're all messed up.' You have to say, 'Look at me. I was a part of this. I loved it. I was just as abusive and domineering, and just as believing of it as anyone else. I was part of it. I'm guilty.'"

The emotional pain is real. "You feel like you're writhing on the floor in agony," she said. "Cry day after day after day after day."

"Everyone that has gotten out says the same thing," she said. "All our stories are the same. It's all horribly traumatic. It's also just regret for 20 years. It's my entire youth. It's my entire perception of life. It's everything I perceive."

"I felt like I didn't even know who I was anymore," she said. "And to try to grapple with that when you're 37, 38 years old is horrible. And here I am with young children, and I want them to grow up happy and healthy, in love with life, and I feel I have so little to offer them because I am so ravaged.

"And having every love and every care that I've ever given out just dashed in my face," she added. "Even if they didn't rebuke me publicly, or by letter, or by phone, it was their silence. Their silence is so eloquent. It made me not want to live."

It's a story told by each former pastor interviewed for this series.

Lee Stubbs had been a fellowship pastor in New Mexico, Maryland and Georgia before he and his wife, Connie, severed their ties to the organization earlier this year and moved back to Tucson, Ariz., their hometown. They experienced many of the feelings described by Sandi Haining. Connie Stubbs also experienced several panic attacks.

The couple eventually sought counseling from John Cepin, a certified marriage and family counselor who is director of Biblical Counseling Associates in Tucson.

Cepin, with the Stubbs's permission, described the couple as having many symptoms experienced by those who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder.

They have a difficult time forgetting the experience, Cepin said. Their symptoms include depression, anxiety, stress, sleep disturbance and difficulty concentrating. And their responses to those symptoms include flashbacks, nightmares, anger and hypervigilance.

Cepin explained that the Stubbs's did not experience any single traumatic event, so their symptoms cannot be attributed directly to the disorder. Instead, they caused similar symptoms caused by a series of events over a period of time.

"Whatever happened to them, wherever they were, it appears there was a lot of withdrawal of relationships with those close to them," Cepin explained. "That really, really hurt them. I think it's safe to say that we're looking at something that's going to be with them for a while."

Cepin said the Stubbs' made good progress over the course of six visits they made to his office. His recommendations to them included getting into a support environment and slowly building friendships. He said they should also pursue dreams and move into areas of their life that they had not previously explored.

That's exactly what they and others have done. The Stubbs' have returned to the University of Arizona to pursue college degrees. They and the Hainings and others have found new churches, renewing their relationships with God and Jesus.

Ross Ragan, another former associate pastor in South Dennis, and his wife, Trina, are both working and attending church in Virginia Beach, Va., and have put their lives back together.