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Home arrow False and "Recovered" Memories arrow Satanic Ritual Abuse arrow Jeanne Was told she was MPD and an SRA Survivor

Jeanne Was told she was MPD and an SRA Survivor

Almost two years ago, I entered counseling with a local therapist complaining of intensive anger that was causing me to have conflicts with two individuals - as well as being highly emotional. Within a few months I was diagnosed as having MPD. And not just any MPD either, I was a polyfragmented Multiple with a spectacular array of defense alter personalities protecting many victim alters.

Dr. James Friesen's description of the symptoms of MPD (Uncovering the Mystery of MPD) so accurately fit my life that it was hard to be objective. When you are desperate for an answer to your problem, critical thinking and reasoning seems to take a hike. The only area that did not fit were the amnesia and SRA memories. I can count on two fingers the number of amnesia spells I've ever had and there were certainly no SRA memories. I was so convinced that MPD was my problem that I made some very rash statements to various elders of the church. At one point, I stormed into my pastor's office in a rage demanding that he "call off his elders from the other MPDs". On another occassion, I told an elder that I would leave the church if they did not accept the MPDs. I fell head-on into counseling in a sincere attempt to get my healing quickly on the road.

I began the process of mapping my personality system. All told, I ended up with over 46 alter personalities such as a dog, a horse, lawyer, Conan the Barbarian, Joan of Arc, class clown, Stressed Out And Having No Fun, and Miss Manners , to name a few. To someone unfamiliar with the MPD dialog, these names are borderline oogy but they are really only labels to help define each emotional state. I knew that they were not different people living in me but rather parts of me and I became increasingly uncomfortable with having to name virtually every emotional state I experienced. My counselor wanted labels and more information on who lived in my "home" so I obliged my counselor with all kinds of mental imagery of what these alters looked like, how they acted, their names and functions.

During my counseling experience, I was having problems with certain things my counselor would say. Initially, while praying for me this counselor had stated that the Holy Spirit had shown her that I was conceived from a result of my father's lust forced upon my mother and was not a wanted baby. I knew this to be inaccurate since I was the only planned baby my parents had and being the only girl out of three boys, I was very muched wanted. I have since spoken to four other women who were told the exact same thing about their conception and unwantedness.

I argued with her in group counseling sessions about statements she would make such as, "All of you have been sexually abused, " even though several individuals in the group had no memories of sexual abuse. This later turned to statements that we were all most likely suffering from Satanic Ritual Abuse. The group would be directed by the counselor on several ocassions to discuss Satanic Ritual Abuse with the stated hoped for effect being to trigger buried memories in those of us who did not have them yet. Individuals who did have fresh memories would give their horrifying tales - brides of Satan and killing babies - with the rest of us listening with varying degrees of absorption. Women who had been in counseling with this individual for years were now suddenly remembering all these previously untapped memories.

I continued to challenge her assertions in group and insisting on valid verification for some of the claims she was making until she adopted a policy that would penalize any unauthorized challenges to her authority. I no longer attended group after that. However, she had determined by my intense challenges that I was demon possessed. Now, she would not call it possession and neither does Friesen in his book but for all practical intents and purposes, it is possession when a demon takes executive control of you. She also believed that my past involvement in the occult was a sure sign of SRA. She further believed that I had one of the most brilliantly devised defense systems for an MPD she had ever seen and she was sure that for every defender alter I had there were many victim alters.

The more I denied any such SRA or demonic involvement was just further proof to her that I was in deep denial and had erected an elaborate defense system to keep anyone from getting near my supposed many child alters. According to her, the demon(s) inside me did not want anyone to find out about the SRA because then their hold on me would become tenuous.

My counselor firmly believed that I evidenced a pattern of satanist involvement throughout most of my childhood. Although my parents were not initially suspected by the counselor, latter she did refer to my mother as a "witch" who exercised control over me. SRA perpetrators in my life were a teenage babysitter at age two, Campfire Girls leaders at age 8 and perhaps my physician during the teen years.

In order to keep open-minded about SRA, I did investigate the possibility that this could have been true. I wanted to do what was right in God and if that meant uncovering past SRA then so be it. The problem was that I wasn't getting any memories at all and what vague leads I did have did not provide any corrobative evidence. Oh, I had a narrative memory of sexual abuse at an early age but this not only could not be corroborated but was found to be meritless. I also had a mess of nightmares about some pretty bizarre things but again, nothing could be corroborated. I stressed to my counselor repeatedly of a strong need for integrity in this process, that I could not live with myself if there was even a tiny bit of doubt in my mind about any recovered memories I had. She was asking me to suspend my critical thinking and reasoning capabilities and trust her to discern what was true or not. I pointed out to her that she had already made some assertions about me that were in error. I alone am responsible before God for my life and I felt it to be foolish to hand over my conscience to another person.

I did get what is called "narrative" memory in which a voice in your head tells a story but there are no mental pictures to accompany it. My counselor assured me that everyone gets these types of narratives and it is the alter personality that knows of the abuse telling it. Later, another alter that actually went through the abuse would provide the visual memories. She confidently assured me that my abreacted memories would come but after nearly nine months in counseling, they never did. Other memories came from the frightening nightmares I had - being buried alive, splatters on the wall, and finally a cryptic dream which nearly led me to believe I had done something very bad such as killing a baby.

In the process of trying to convince me I was demon infested, she stated that my pastor, elders and husband could not help me with the demon(s) since they were not MPD counselors and did not know how to access the deeper level alter personality that was infested in order to rid me of it. I pointed out the gnosticism of her statement but that did not prevent her making this statement several more times. My husband has fasted and prayed for me for years and I have consulted several pastors in the past about whether I was demon possessed to which the net result was that I was not possessed or infested. It came down to whether I believed my counselor or my husband and the pastors. Do I trust the men who God ordained as my authorities and heads over me or do I believe a woman who lacks accountability over her ministry?

It was becoming increasingly apparent to me that in order to accept the diagnosis of MPD, I was going to have to alter my view of my Christain walk for the past eighteen years and my understanding of the nature of God's character. I would have to believe that God allowed me to suffer from demonic oppression for almost two decades while He waited for an appropriate MPD counselor to show up on the scene. If that were true, what about the poor undiagnosed MPDs in history who were possessed and never knew freedom because the diagnosis of MPD hadn't been dicovered! I would have had to examine every incident in which I thought I heard from God because most likely it was really my alter personality voices talking in my head. I would have to believe that sincere, seeking Christians can be possessed. It required that I view God as a helpless being locked in mortal combat with Satan and not the sovereign God who is in total control. I would have to see myself as victim open to any attacks Satan wished to inflict on me and not see myself as safe within the wings of a loving God. To think that God had abandoned me to demonic possession was more than I could tolerate. I decide I was going to stand firm in what I did believe of the Lord and would judge things by the Word.

At this time, my counselor requested that I read two books, He Came To Set The Captives Free, by Dr. Rebecca Brown and The Latent Power of The Soul, by Watchman Nee. The first book detailed the deliverance of a witch and SRA conspiracy. The most notable parts of the book dealt with the supposed reality of Christians being possessed by the astral projected spirits of local satanists and witches. When I was heavily involved in the occult, I had read virtually every book available on astral projection and I had tried it. The primary reason I went into occultism was to gain power over the people tormenting me in high school. If I could have possessed them by my spirit, what fun I would have had but nothing I read in the secular literature even suggested this was possible. In addition, I did not believe this was possible from a scriptural point of view. To believe that a person could be possessed without their consent and at any time by a local witch was to believe that God did not protect and defend what was His. Again, I could not believe that my God was that kind of god.

When I discussed these issues with my counselor I discovered that she truley believed that possession by local witches was possible because she had heard a pastor at a symposium in Seattle retell how one of his clients had been possessed by a local witch before his very eyes. I stated that the man was flako but she did not agree saying that he had very "gentle, sincere spirit" about him implying to me at least that the man had been in the presence of the Lord to have such fruits of the spirit. I replied that I believed the pastor was a gentle and sincere flako and the phenomenon he witnessed could not be what he claimed it was. Usually these counseling sessions resulted in my counselor looking at me with deep pity as if I were the most deceived person in the world.

Another aspect of Dr, Brown's book was the exposing of satanist conspiracy within fundamental churches. She listed eight ways in which your local satanists infiltrate the church - they make a profession of faith in front of the church, tithe regularly, attend regularly, show up for every work party, and rise to leadership quickly at which point they set about to destroy the church. According to Dr. Brown, the creation of homegroups is one strategy which satanists use to destroy churches. Taken literally, virtually two thirds of our church qualified as closet satanists. Again this became an issue of what does the bible say about it. If there is no discernable difference between God-loving Christians and satanists according to Dr. Brown, then how do we tell? Scripture clearly shows that dark gets darker and the light gets lighter. The net result of Dr. Brown's assertions was to cast doubt and dispersion among the body and against the leadership of the church.

I decided to research Dr. Rebecca Brown and discovered that she had legally changed her name to Dr. Brown from Ruth Irene Bailey because she was becoming too well known by her pen name. She had also had her medical license suspended for five years for prescribing legend drugs without prescription, proper charting, or informing the patient what she was doing.

My last meeting with my counselor ended with her once again reiterating that my husband could not help with the demons that oppress me because he was not an MPD counselor. This was the final straw and I could no longer justify seeing a counselor who advocated a gnostic heresy and was essentially encouraging me to step out from the covering God had ordained in my life, i.e. my husband and elders, and trust her with my spiritual development and healing.

Shortly thereafter I was evaluated by a Christian psychiatrist, and discovered that 1.) I was not a polyfragmented Multiple as had been diagnosed by my former lay counselor and, 2.) everybody has different states of mind. I remember sitting in his office just incredulous that everyone had these states of mind, that it was totally normal. People have angry, depressed, happy, etc., states of mind and a whole range of memories associated with those states. I had been instructed by my former counselor that every emotional state was a different alter personality that we needed to chart but here was a psychiatrist telling me that I was normal when I been led to believe it was very abnormal. The problem, he stated, is when people lose their sense of identity when they change states of mind which is a rare occurance.

Currently, I am not undergoing any counseling and am doing very well. I did continue with some counseling for several months after leaving my former counselor but it was primarily to settle issues dealing with the previous year's very poor counseling in which the results were more damaging than edifying. God also met me in a very special way last March and I am a changed person. My life now is a testimony to the goodness of God and His love for me. I am a very normal person who had a problem with anger from very prosaic causes but instead was sidetracked for more than a year into believing some pretty wild things about myself. My hope is that others are not to be so easily sidetracked in the future.